My mother (on the right) with one of her cycling friends
“What is your hobby actually?”
This was a question I asked my mom a long time ago with me expecting her to say cooking, singing, or dancing. But she didn’t even need one second to reply. “Putting on make up!” she answered spontaneously, followed by a long laugh between us.
In the past, this was one of many funny memories I often brought up in a conversation with her or with her friends and relatives. But now, this has become a bittersweet memory as my mom passed away a little over a week ago.
She was very concerned about her family’s appearance. Not in a way where she wanted me and my dad to don expensive clothes and look pretentious. But rather, she cared so much about little things many people don’t even bother with, like making sure our eyes, nose, mouth, and ears were clean, and our elbows didn’t look dry and rough. The past few years, she had been telling me to use hair tonic when she noticed my thinning hair.
Her meticulousness extended to the way she cooked. Instead of accepting other people’s help, she preferred to do things by herself, for she was never satisfied with the results of those who lent their hands thinking that they were making her job easier. “You know how thinly and neatly I chop vegetables,” she told me. That’s why at home I often found her watching TV while patiently doing the cooking prep-work ahead of time. Whenever she had to make a dish with meat, she always boiled it for hours until it was very tender. And she was also very particular with how some ingredients must be prepared. I never realized how good her cooking was until one of my high school friends came to my parents’ house and had lunch with me. The next day he told our classmates how delicious the lunch was. “No wonder you always want to go straight home right after class!”
Many people grew fond of my mom’s cooking. A lot of them – from relatives to high school friends and university classmates – always looked forward to going to my parents’ house because my mom would always cook for them. But one of her biggest fans must be James. Since his first visit to Semarang in 2015, the year when he tried some Javanese dishes my mom made, he has been smitten with her cooking. James always gave the best reactions when he tried her food. From the moment he sniffed the rich and fragrant aroma of her dishes, to when he took the first sip or bite, he never failed to entertain my mom. She found so much joy in seeing people savoring whatever dish she had made for them.
However, she told me how she often lost her appetite for her own cooking. After having to deal with all those spices, herbs, and other ingredients for hours, it was not uncommon for her to crave simple food in the end. Or dishes from other countries. As someone who loves sushi and sashimi, I had always wanted her to try them. But it took me many years to convince my mom. The idea of eating raw fish was just never appealing to her, until that moment several years ago when she braved herself to put a piece of salmon nigiri sushi into her mouth. “Oh, it’s really delicious, and not fishy at all!” It must have been a revelation for her, and since then she always asked me to take her to a sushi restaurant when I was visiting her. I also found out how much she enjoyed spinach ravioli with cream sauce and Eggs Florentine, among other Western dishes. On her last trip to Jakarta to see me in December 2022, I took her to try Moroccan, Persian, Basque, and Vietnamese dishes. She particularly relished the Southeast Asian cuisine thanks to the copious vegetables served with it, so much so that when James and I visited her again in Semarang last April, she asked me if there were good Vietnamese restaurants in the city. Luckily, we could find one, and the food was quite decent.
My mother (standing at the back on the right) used to teach Javanese traditional dance to schoolchildren
Left: My dad took this photo of me and my mom before we boarded the airplane that flew us from Borneo back to Java; Right: My mom and I at Borobudur temple
She was known for her elegance when she dressed up in traditional costume
My parents on their sole vacation to Bali
A few months later, I took them to Singapore, the only trip abroad I’ve ever done with my parents
Looking back, the main reason she savored all those international cuisines was probably because they offered taste profiles that were different from what she was used to having. While for James, it is the other way around. Fortunately, he had jotted down some of her recipes with the intention of recreating what she had made for us, although we knew our cooking would never match hers. This came in handy during the first year of the pandemic where I couldn’t see my parents for quite some time, forcing us to put her recipes to good use: preparing dishes that were always present at my parents’ house during the annual Eid festivities. That was when I learned the hard way that the delicious food I had been taking for granted for many years actually took a long time to prepare and make. Just a few days after my mom’s passing, as I was searching in her bedroom for important documents for me to bring to Jakarta, I was ecstatic to find what for me was among the most invaluable things she could have left me with: her cooking recipes. Written down in separate small notebooks, some dishes come with complete instructions on how to cook them, while others only have the list of ingredients. It seems like if we want to make the latter, we have to use what my mom often told James every time he asked her about the quantities of each ingredient. “I use my heart/feeling [to measure].”
Her cooking, however, was not the only thing that touched a lot of people’s hearts.
She was also known for her penchant for bringing distant relatives and friends together. She was one of the main reasons why the extended family from her side and the one from my father’s side could know one another and get close. She often initiated gatherings with her school friends, and she told me whenever she couldn’t join such an event, many people didn’t come. “I’m just a housewife, but for some reason my friends who have held high positions in the government or in their respective companies listen to me,” my mom told me, baffled and proud at the same time. She would always try to make time to visit her sick friends to show support and give them encouragement. In hindsight, I guess she did all this because she was such a sensitive person.
“My sons call her Auntie Cry,” my mom’s best friend told me recently. This brought laughter to everyone in the room because each of us has seen her cry on so many occasions. My late aunt (my mom’s older sister) once recalled in a teasing way, in front of my mom, of a time when they were little. One day my aunt wanted to go out. Thinking her sister would leave without her, my mom started crying. “Please don’t leave me alone.” When I was finally able to meet her again for the first time during the pandemic, she immediately burst into tears when she saw me, with my dad standing next to her, smiling. “I can see my son again!” she expressed her elation while weeping. She even cried when she saw me helping a Thai woman about her age at Changi Airport in Singapore who was struggling with the self check-in kiosk. “I’m proud of you,” she said to me afterward.
Despite her gentle demeanor, she was in fact quite a sporty person. She used to play volleyball, and just like my father, she also enjoyed cycling a lot. She even liked to watch Valentino Rossi, widely considered to be one of the greatest motorcycle racers in history. Whenever Rossi was racing, she cleared her schedule so she could watch him on TV. Following my father’s passing three years ago, my mom cooked less and less, except for when there were people visiting. Instead, she made herself busy by joining a group of elderly women who gather every week to exercise. This was, of course, on top of the Sunday morning cycling outings with her friends. She also regularly met up with my late father’s colleagues. She wasn’t an extrovert, but she really liked being around people.
Just like my father, my mom also loved cycling
At a mangrove forest with her friends
She loved to cook for her guests who came exactly for her cooking
She often took selfies like these and sent them to me
On a trip to Ambarawa in June 2021, right when Indonesia was beginning to experience the deadly second wave of Covid-19
There were so many things she taught me when I was little. She made sure I learned about manners – how to talk in a respectful way to those who are much older than me, how to behave at social events, and how to eat politely, to name some. She also passed down her artistic traits to me, especially in singing. In recent months, I’ve actually been thinking of asking her to teach me a thing or two about Javanese traditional dances, for she was an instructor at a dance studio run by her father – my grandfather – before she decided to ditch the well-paying job to follow my father to Borneo when I was little.
Unfortunately, this January she was diagnosed with late-stage cancer, and her health quickly deteriorated. I arrived at the hospital in Semarang and sat next to her bed around 4:30pm on Sunday afternoon. I’m grateful that although she was already struggling to breathe, she could still see me and hold my hand. A little over an hour later, she took her last breath right before my eyes. I didn’t expect to lose her so soon. No one did. And the realization that it was her last moment really hit me hard. Losing my father was tough. But losing my mom has been on a completely different level because I was much closer to her and I communicated with her a lot more often than I did with my father.
Throughout the first few days since her passing, so many little things reminded me of her, and they always brought tears to my eyes. When her relatives and friends came for her funeral, I instinctively wanted to tell her, “Mom, Uncle A is here, and Auntie B has come with her children.” But I quickly reminded myself that they came exactly because my mom was no longer with us. Since I left my parents’ house after high school to go to university in another city, my mom asked me to send her a message at least once every day, so that she knew that her son was okay. This was something I kept doing until a few days before she passed away. Adjusting to the new reality certainly won’t be easy, and there are still so many things I need to take care of following her death, since I’m the only one left in my immediate family. It’s overwhelming, to say the least. But I know some things can’t be rushed, including the grieving process itself.
My mom’s full name has two words with the meaning of rose, one in Dutch, another one in Indonesian. And I find solace in knowing that her kindness will forever bloom in the memories of the people whose hearts she touched. Her favorite flower, however, was actually jasmine. And I’m glad I know this, along with the other things about her I am fortunate to have learned about, now memories I can only cherish.
May her beautiful soul rest in peace.
At this restaurant, she tried century egg for the first time, which she liked
At the usual sushi restaurant in Semarang we often took her to – raw sushi and sashimi were her favorites
Left: When I asked her in June 2022 if she was interested in seeing some ancient temples with me, she said “why not?”; Right: Her last visit to Jakarta in December 2022
Upper and Lower Left: Happy memories during Eid festivities when my father was still alive; Right: This was our last photo together, taken at the airport in Semarang when she sent us off at the end of last year’s Eid holidays
What an Amazing World! 
Extending my sincerest condolences, Bama. 🙏
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Thank you. It’s been a tough time.
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Oh Bama, I am so deeply sorry for your loss. What an incredible tribute for your mom. Brings tears to my eyes. Take care of yourself. Your mom sounded like an amazing woman but of course she must be to raise a wonderful son like yourself.
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Thank you, Nicole. She really was an amazing person. She was stronger than what she thought she was.
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what a beautiful tribute to your amazing mother. I’m sorry for your loss
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Thank you, Beth. In the following days after her passing, all the memories about her resurfaced in my mind. And I thought a tribute would be a nice way to remember her, so that other people know what a kind and beautiful soul she was.
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Turut berduka cita bro. Belasungkawa terdalam karena kehilangan jiwa yang luar biasa dan indah seperti ibumu.
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Terima kasih. Semoga beliau sekarang sudah beristirahat dengan tenang, tidak sakit lagi.
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It’s very moving and I love the beautiful way you talk about your parents. My sincere condolences and I wish you strength for the coming days.
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Thank you. Although I no longer cry as much as I did last week, it’s still hard to process this loss.
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I’m sure writing this beautiful tribute brought on a lot of tears. It’s a difficult time and you’re right, it will take time to recover. Even after years, there will be moments when something triggers a memory and you’ll feel the loss again, though no where near as deep at I’m sure you’re going through now. There are no words I can offer that will ease your sorrow, but I hope in time, your sadness will lessen.
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It did. I wanted this post not just a way for me to mourn her passing, but also to celebrate the life my mom had lived. Thank you, Mallee.
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Oh Bama, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you and I am in tears reading your beautiful tribute to your wonderful mother. I am so so sorry at how suddenly it all happened and I am glad you got to spend time with her.
What an amazing life she lived and the many lives that she touched. She sounded so warm, even the crying she became known for. And how wonderful you found her recipes. May these meals bring you much comfort in the days to come.
Please be kind with yourself. A friend told me when my mom passed that the world feels lonelier without our moms and it is true. Please be gentle and take the time you need to mourn. And to reach out.
My sincere condolences to you and to your family. I’m on the other side of the world but here if you need to chat.
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Thank you, Ab. Actually a few days after she passed away, I remembered how you also lost your mom recently.
I’m really glad I could still see her before she took her last breath, a scene that has been haunting me ever since. It’s true what your friend said. I have been independent since my late teenage years. But when I was at her house, by myself, realizing that she was forever gone, it really hit me.
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I am glad you were able to be with your mom in her final moments, Bama. I also understand how that scene can be very haunting. Please be gentle with yourself over the coming days. It will be hard but it does get easier. Here to listen and to chat if needed. 😊🙏
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I didn’t properly take time to grieve when I lost my dad. So, this time I’ll make sure not to rush and go back to my normal life as if everything was okay. Thank you again, Ab.
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💕💕💕
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Oh Bama, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you! What a wonderful tribute to your mother, a truly beautiful person. May your fond memories help you through this difficult time.
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Thank you, Bill and Debbie. She was very private toward the end of her life. So her death also shocked many of her friends. Seeing how much they mourned her passing made me realize that they really loved her and cared so much about her.
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May your mother rest in Peace. Losing a parent, especially too soon, is heartbreaking. Your mom lived a fruitful life filled with food and adventures. A beautiful and tender tribute to her and the amazing life she led. Take care of yourself, Bama.
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Thank you, Rebecca. Heartbreaking really is the right word to describe this sudden loss.
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Bama, this is a wonderful and touching remembrance of your mom. I’m so sorry for your loss. It will be difficult to adjust. I was able to learn some of my mom’s simpler dishes (she never wrote any of it down and never measured). While I’ll never be able to replicate her dishes, it’s one my way of honoring her. I think your writing in a way brings people together much like your mom was able to bring people together.
Do take care. Sending you lots of love and hugs. Please reach out if you need anything.
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Thank you, Matt. When the time is right, I want to try to recreate some of her recipes as my way of honoring her too. She cared so much about nourishing people, and she loved to see people’s smiles after taking that first sip or bite of the dish she cooked for them. Many of them told her she should open a restaurant.
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Bama I’m so sorry for your loss. She sounds like a beautiful woman inside and out. This is a lovely tribute, I shed my own tears reading it. I can feel your love for her with every word. Sending you hugs, Maggie
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Thank you, Maggie. And thank you for sharing your thoughts and support as well through Instagram. It will take time for me to adjust to this new reality.
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Take your time, she was likely the most important person in your life. It’s good to go through your memories and share stories with others. It helped me. For me it’s been 2 months and it’s easier, but tears are still very close to the surface. Keeping you in my thoughts. Maggie
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I have so many fond memories of her, from my childhood until the last time we could communicate normally before her health conditions started to deteriorate fast. When I look at her photos, sometimes it’s still hard to believe that she’s no longer with us. But I keep reminding myself not to dwell in sadness.
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I have many pictures that make me sad, but there’s one that for some reason always brings me joy. Hopefully you have a few of those.
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I have many photos of her that make me both sad and happy. Happy because she got to do things she liked, and sad because she could no longer do it toward the end of her life.
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I’m so sorry for your loss Bama. Turut berduka cita. Cancer sucks. I lost my dad to cancer too two years ago. This is a really warm remembrance post about your mother, how lucky you are to have her in your life.
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Thank you, Eva. No one really thought she had cancer. I guess when she found out about it, it really broke her spirit. I’m sorry you also lost your dad to it.
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What a lovely tribute to your mother, Bama. I can just imagine what an enormous empty space there must now be in your life. I am so glad to hear that you found her recipes, as food is such a strong connection between you.
May your mother’s beautiful soul rest in peace, and may your memories of her give you the strength and courage to face every day without her in a way she would have wished for you. Sending you a big virtual hug.
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Thank you, Jolandi. Just now I was reminded of how normal the conversation over the phone between me and my mom was a month ago. At that time, her surgery was scheduled for the third week of February, and I planned to accompany her during this period. Little did we know that she would be admitted to the hospital earlier, and two days later she would leave us all.
I will definitely try to recreate some of her recipes so that not all is lost.
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What an immense shock it must have been for you, Bama. I will hold you in my thoughts.
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It really was, and still is. Thanks again, Jolandi.
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A beautiful tribute….
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Thank you.
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Dear Bama – I’m very sorry for your loss. How devastating to lose her so unexpectedly and fast. Such a reminder that we never know how long we have. So cherish every moment. And you did. What a beautiful woman she was both inside and out.
Take care,
Julie
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Thank you, Julie. Cherish every moment, indeed. I’ve been thinking of moments with her in the past which I wish I could’ve done differently. But regrets won’t bring her back.
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Bama, there are no words I can say that could soothe your immense pain at the devastating loss of your beloved mom. She touched and enriched my life as well in so many ways. I will always cherish the time we got to spend with her whenever we visited her (and your dad) in Semarang. Though we didn’t have much contact in her final months, I hope she knew how much I loved her. You have my shoulder to cry on—I will be here with you through the grieving process, however long it takes.
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Thank you, James. I remember how in the past you often looked up new restaurants in Semarang for my mom to try. I’m glad she got to taste Korean, Brazilian, and Western dishes, among other things. But as we know, her favorites were still sushi and sashimi. One of the funniest memories of her interaction with you is whenever you explained to her about a dish from Hong Kong, she always asked about the spices used to make it.
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Dearest Bama! I am so sorry for your loss. What a lovely beautiful lady she was and always will be in your memories! Your post was a touching tribute to a life well lived. May she rest in peace! Wishing you and all that knew her strength and love during this tough time. Thinking of you today Bama x
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Thank you, Anna. For sure, she will be greatly missed not just by me, but also by her friends and relatives. This was evident in the outpouring support I received, especially on the first few days since her passing.
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What a beautiful tribute to your mom Bama. She sounds like a truly wonderful person.
I’m so sorry for your loss. May have all you need to navigate this difficult time.
Alison
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Thank you, Alison. I’m grateful so many people offered their support to me. However, there are things only I can take care of since I’m the last person left in my immediate family. And this can feel overwhelming at times. With all the questions I got from my mom’s friends and relatives, I can only answer, “one thing at a time.”
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Sorry for your loss. This is a wonderful post you have in her memory. She must have been a wonderful person.
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Thank you, I. J. I got the impression that most people who knew her loved her.
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Such a touching tribute to your beautiful mom Bama. I was shocked and deeply saddened to learn about her passing from your Instagram story. I had heard so much about her and her legendary cooking skills from James and you and had hoped to meet her in person. I hope your precious memories and the recipes she left behind bring you comfort as you grieve. Sending you hugs…take care Bama.
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Madhu, actually there were moments in the past when I pictured you visiting my parents’ house so that you could try my mom’s dishes James and I have written about. She could barely speak English, but she had had a fair share of foreign guests (brought by my cousins who have been living in Europe for many years) tasting her cooking. But I guess her passing is a good reason for me and James to roll up our sleeves and get busy at the kitchen again. Thank you, Madhu.
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Bama, I deeply regret missing out on meeting your mom, have no doubt we would have worked around the language barrier. Recreating her recipes will be a wonderful way to cherish her memory. Hope I get to taste your versions soon.
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Luckily, James and I have successfully recreated a few of her dishes in the past. So maybe we can make them for you. But there are a lot more that we haven’t even tried our hands at cooking them despite having asked her for the recipes.
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Bama I’m sorry about your Mom’s passing, sending my condolences to you. I loved your tribute to your Mother, I especially liked the memory of sushi and sashimi; it reminds me of my Mom who doesn’t like the idea of raw fish and will not try sushi at all! I’m so glad your Mom finally tried it! Reading your blog post, I can see where your appreciation for food comes from! I hope you are able to grieve her passing and that you hold on to those memories and attributes that she left in you. May she Rest in Peace.
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Thank you, Liz. After having her first sushi and sashimi, she told her friends and relatives to try them too. She could even tell if a sushi was not up to standard. Every time I came back from traveling, the photos she wanted to see were always those of the food I had. She was curious of the ingredients and the flavor profiles.
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I’m so sorry to hear about your mom passing away, Bama. She sounds like she cared a lot about her family, whether it’s through cooking, making sure you were all presentable or bringing people together. She really was a beautiful person.
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Thank you, Linda. She really cared so much about her family. At times she posted pictures of her, my dad, and me on her social media and wrote “my treasures” as the caption.
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Hi Bama,
sorry for your loss, and my condolences. I, too, lost my mother to cancer. She died in August 2014, and I can’t quite fathom that this year it’ll be 10 years since that day. I’m proud of the fact that I was there, holding her hand, when she left.
The only thing we can do is to remember them and continue to honour their memory, as you did here in this lovely memorial. I’m sure she’d have loved (but also blushed) at the thought of how many people all around the world got to know how much she loved cycling, cooking, and her family.
You’re not alone!
Fabrizio
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Thank you, Fabrizio. It’s good that you were holding your mother’s hand when she left. I’m glad I had enough time to hold my mother’s hand, and kissed her on the cheek and forehead before she passed away. You’re right about how to move forward from this loss. I just need to learn to accept the new reality, one day at a time.
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Sorry for your loss and may her soul rest in peace. Such a beautiful post you wrote in her honor! Sounds like you were very lucky to have a beautiful, loving and caring mom.
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Thank you. My mom really was such a loving soul. And it was very touching to see how much love her friends and relatives had for her too.
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Oh, Bama. John and I are so very sorry to hear of your loss of your dear mom. This post is such a wonderful tribute to her, and it made us feel as though we knew her (we wish we had!). What a full and rewarding life she led, and it’s obvious that you and she had a very special relationship.
We’re thinking of you and wishing you peace and comfort in this difficult time.
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Thank you, Susan and John. I always knew my mom and I were very close. But it was until I lost her when I realized how special our relationship truly was. She will be forever missed.
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Oh Bama, I am so sorry to learn about the passing of your beloved mum through such a moving and heartfelt tribute to her. I am glad to see that she had a rewarding life full of many amazing moments and that you both were close.
As we had three unexpected deaths within a family last year, I’ve learned that it takes time to work through grief and it’s best not to do it alone. It can help to talk to someone. Tell a trusted friend, family member or teacher how you’re feeling. It’s okay to ask others to be with you if you need them. I am keeping you in my thoughts Aiva xx
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Thank you, Aiva. I’m so sorry for your losses last year. One is hard enough, I can’t imagine the grief you must have gone through. I really appreciate your suggestion on reaching out to other people. As an introvert, this is something I often struggle with.
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🥰🥰🥰
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I wonder how I missed this! I’m glad I at least saw your Instagram post at the time and was able to quickly let you know how sad I was for you. I saw James’s post today and, through his reply, realized I had never seen this post of yours. Your words and photos are a beautiful tribute to a woman who seems to have been kind, loving, and talented. I am so sorry for your loss, especially so soon after you lost your father as well. I am very glad you have someone to support you unconditionally at this very difficult time.
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Thank you, Lex, and no worries for not seeing this earlier. I have the same problem with a few blogs I’ve been following. For some reason, I never get a notification whenever there is a new post in those blogs. What you said about how my mom’s passing happened so soon after I lost my father was exactly what my aunt (my dad’s older sister who is also the only aunt I still have) told me a few days after my mom passed away. “It’s too soon for you to lose both parents,” she said to me over a phone call. Three weeks after my mom passed away, I don’t cry as much now. But I must admit that emptiness in my heart remains.
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So many beautiful memories, Bama. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss.
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Thank you, Jo. Memories of her are indeed what I still have, and will forever cherish.
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My deepest condolences, Bama…
Innalillahi Wainnailaihi Rojiun. Semoga Allah SWT menerima amal ibadah dan mengampuni segala dosa almarhumah dan diberikan tempat terbaik di sisi-Nya…
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Amin. Terima kasih atas doanya, Yanti.
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My most sincere condolences. May her soul rest in peace. 🙏 Losing a mom has to be one of the hardest things in life. I lost my mom 2-and-a-half years ago and I still break into tears every now and then. I guess it is the finality of it all that is the most difficult part to deal with.
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Thank you, Rama. I remember what you wrote when you lost your mom, and the trip you took to sort of heal your soul. It’s been almost a month since my mom passed away, and sometimes it still feels surreal thinking that she’s no longer there. You’re right about how this is the most difficult part to deal with.
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Oh I am so sorry to hear about your loss, Bama. This was such a beautiful and moving tribute to your mom, that seemed to be a wonderful person. I can’t imagine how hard it must be, but it is comforting to have such dear and gentle memories of her to hold on to. Take care.
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Thank you, Juliette. It’s been almost 40 days since she passed away, and there hasn’t been a single day that went by without me not thinking of her. My memories of her are truly what I cherish now.
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Very sorry to hear about your loss. Losing a mother is the most difficult thing and your post is a good testament to your love for her. Take care of yourself. (Suzanne)
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Thank you, Suzanne. It’s been more than a month since I lost her, and I’m still figuring out how to navigate this grief in a ‘healthy’ way.
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I’m so sorry Bama for your loss. I have experienced the loss of my mother three years ago. I’m still grieving her. I found talking to her everyday is very helpful to stand in front of her picture and tell her about how did your day go and what are you up to. It really helped me alot. Trying to do the things the way your mom wanted you to do it her way, praying for her too.
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Thank you, Riham. As you know, losing a mother is really difficult, and everyone grieves differently. But it’s really interesting to learn about your way of moving on while keeping her in your mind every single day. I’m still slowly processing the grief, and I know it can be a long journey.
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My sincere condolences, Bama. I only saw this now and I’m so sorry. Your post is a fitting tribute to your mother and her excellent traits. I can understand how hard it is for you especially as her passing was so sudden, though at least her suffering was brief. Take care of yourself, and keep up the excellent posts (and travels).
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Thank you, Hilton. It’s almost three months since her passing, but in many ways I’m still processing the grief. It does get better over time. As someone who also recently lost a parent, I’m sure you can understand the feeling. I hope you’re okay.
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I’m doing alright, thanks Bama. I understand the feeling and it’s alright to take as long as needed to process.
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